Trying not to think

I'm trying not to focus on this week.

Trying not the think about the appointment with my surgeon on Wednesday.

The last appointment I had, my hopes were high.  I thought I was going back to skating full force.  Only to be "knocked" into reality that my body wasn't ready for that yet.  

After two months of being able to be on skates with zero contact, basically skating around in circles, watching my teammates progress further without me, I have found myself to feel more discouraged than when I was unable to skate at all.  Strange huh?  Ungrateful, maybe?  But, I can't help my feelings, right.  It has been more difficult to be able to put on the skates and not be able to go full throttle, than to not have them on at all because I have that taste in my mouth.  The feeling running through my veins again.  I remember the adrenaline rush of lacing up my skates, my wheels under my feet, and I want it all.  I want it all.  Not half of it, all of it.  My brain has made my listen to my surgeon.  Only do what I am clear to do-no contact.  Only endurance.  Listening to my body when it tells me to slow down, or stop and take a break.

My appointment Wednesday will be just two weeks short of one year post knee surgery.  One year marking the magical time that my surgeon said he would not clear me for contact/competition before reaching that point on time.  My brain understands why they long period of time.  My heart argues.

Will that time really be here?  I am calm about it right now.  My brain is telling me to be patient.  It is saying that there is a good chance that he will tell me that my knee is still not ready.  That the grafts still need more time to heal.  My brain is telling me that this makes sense.  That I have to be understanding if this is the outcome of the assessment.  My heart however, is racing.  Will it finally be time?  Will I finally be able to skate?  Skate the way I really want to skate.  Full contact.  Full power.  Full Sugar.  What does that even mean anymore?  My heart tells my brain it is ready.  My heart feels that it wants so badly to be in the action, on the track, racing around, really in the game.  But is my body really ready for what my heart wants?  

I know there is no way to know that answer for sure.  There is no true right or wrong answer.  I know that when the time comes, I will go with what is in my heart.  Because that is who I am.  I am just Sugar.  Sugar listens to her heart.  I always have.  In everything in my life, not just roller derby.

But I am scared.  

I am trying not to think.  I will not think.  I will shut off my heart.  I will shut off my brain.

At least not until I am sitting in that office on Wednesday...then I can't promise anything, because my brain will inevitably lose to my heart...and my heart will take over. 

Finding my Place

My anxious spirit went from anxious to emotional as the appointment with my surgeon didn't go as I so hoped that it would.  I saw him on April 12th.  Which was 7months and 3 days post my major knee reconstruction.  

He entered the exam room and I felt my excitement and hope climb higher and higher as I sat on the table and talked with him about the progress I have made along the way.  He took measurements.  Had me do several exercises, and then he tested the tightness in the ligaments by doing a series of bends, flexes and wiggles.  I'm sure there are much more scientific way to describe it, but that's what it feels like he is doing, so we will go with that description of his critique.  He began talking about how pleased he is with the stability in the knee.  The ligaments all feel tight and just as they should.  He complimented me in the fact that he can tell I have been continuing "diligently" with my physical therapy (as instructed) by him and my therapist.  He said he could not be more impressed with my healing and progress since the surgery.  I beamed smiles.  Knowing proudly inside that I have done everything I have been instructed to do, since day one of injuring my knee.  From icing, to resting, to bending in a prone position for months.  EVERYTHING I HAVE BEEN TOLD.  I waited for him to continue, but he didn't.  He looked at me and then said, "I'm sure you are wondering when you can get back onto your skates?"  I of course answered his question before he could even finish the sentence.  "YES?!"  

He began the next part of the conversation slow and concerned, but stern and deliberate.  "Before you had the surgery, we talked about the time frame for full recovery.  You had a very extensive reconstruction of your knee.  One that takes time to heal completely.  From the beginning I told you it would be a MINIMUM of 9-12 months before you would be ready physically to be back on your skates.  I feel VERY strongly about that 9-12 months.  Right now we are only 7 months post surgery and at this point, I will not even consider clearing you medically.  You are not there yet, your body is not ready.  I will be completely honest with you,  I will more than likely not give you medical clearance until you reach that 12 month mark.  There is too much risk for rupture to the grafts.  Too much risk in re-injury this soon.  You have to give the grafts time to heal and continue to strengthen the muscles around it.  Aside from the PCL graft, we also completely reconstructed the MCL, it takes time for your body to regenerate and heal the tissue around both of the ligaments.  Even though it feels good, it is still healing.  I know that you feel ready, but as your doctor, I do not feel that you are."

Crushed.  I was crushed.  Fighting with everything in me not to burst into tears on the exam table in front of him.  Please don't start crying in front of him.  Too late.

"I would like to see you again in 3 months and we will reevaluate things at that time.  But until then, keep up the great work.  You are clear to do anything you feel comfortable doing, except skating.  Not pivoting/cutting type motion in the knee."

That was it.  I sat in the exam room alone for what felt like forever.  Tears streaming.  Sobbing.  Why did I let myself think that he was going to give me different news?  I was so angry at myself for getting my hopes up.  Thinking about that stupid new mouth guard I just made.  The new laces I just put into my skates.  The custom fit knee pads I had been researching for weeks.  Talking about playing with my team later this season.  Skating at practices again.  All for not.  Because I still have five months before I can skate.

As I left the office and drove away, I found that I was literally heaving I was so upset.  I'm Sugar.  I'm a fucking skater.  I'm not supposed to be standing on the sidelines.  I'm Sugar.  I called Matt.  He didn't know what to say, so he said nothing.  

I know that it all makes sense.  I know my body is the only one I have.  I know that the proper amount of time is critical in the long term health of my knee.  I know that.  But it still hurts inside.  I'm still sad.  Truthfully, the only people that can truly understand that feeling, are the ones that have sat on the sidelines with an injury and watched their teammates play without them.  It hurts.  I cannot even begin to describe what it feels like, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  

It took me several days and lots of tears to digest the fact that the 2011 season will not see Sugar on the track.  I can be okay with it because I have to be.  My sweet little Chloe is very concerned that her Mommy will not skate again.  I promise her that I will skate again.

I don't question my role on the team.  I know where I stand.  It isn't that at all.  I love this team and I know this team loves Sugar.  This team is forever a part of my life.   

I look at my new role as a line coach and I am proud to be in that position.  I know this game.  I am strong in the position and confident that I am where I should be for now.  I am learning so much and hope that I am a calming face to my teammates, a strong and confident leader off the track.  I hope that know how honored I am to be one of their coaches.  Just as I was honored to skate beside them.

I look at this amazing group of woman that work so hard to make this team successful.  It takes my breath away every single time.  We are kicking 2011 in the ass is so many ways and I don't just mean winning.  We fit the definition of the word TEAM in every way and I AM PROUD.

So every time I think about not being on skates right now, I am going to stop, think about how far I have come since July 21, 2010 when I was first injured.  Think about how I had a major knee surgery and have come through it with shining colors.  How things have changed for a little while.  Then I am going to think about November 2008, when I first found this team of 5 women, at a time when I needed it in my life just for me.  I helped grow and shape it into what it is today.  A TEAM of over 50 strong, beautiful woman, I am proud to call my TEAMMATES.  I am going to remember why I love this team, why I love roller derby and remember it is a part of me...whether I am on my skates...or not.

Because...

"I am just Sugar"

The Knee

 After six plus weeks of intense physical therapy, there was not even a slight change in my knee.  So after lots of research, talking with surgeons and many many tears, I opted to go ahead with the surgery to fix my knee.

The long recovery process went from really longer, to really really long.

I had surgery on September 9th. 

I went in about noon, really nervous was an understatement.  The pre-op stuff went really fast.  They went over again what they would be doing.  The surgeon told Matt that the surgery would last approx 2-3 hours.  He explained that with knee surgery there is always a bit of a gray area and until they were in and could see the extent of things they can never say for sure.  He explained where the incisions would be, and a little about what he expected.  I donned that sexy hairnet, and kissed my husband and off I went.  Tears flowing.

It was a four hour surgery, so I am told, I was pretty out of it when I woke.  The replacement of my PCL posterior cruciate ligament was the most extensive part.  PCL injuries are not "fixable, the PCL must be replaced.  My PCL was removed and replaced with a "allograft" a ligament from a donor (cadaver part in my knee crazy cool and a little icky.)  The graft was connected to my body by drilling into my femur and tibia to attach the graft with screws.  My tissues grow and connect the graft tissue.  My MCL medial collateral ligament was also a complete rupture, unlike the PCL the MCL can be repaired.  My surgeon had explained that more than likely he would need to remove and use grafts from my hamstring to repair the MCL because of the amount of time that lapsed between injury and surgery, however, when inside, he was able to reconnect the tissues to themselves, saving me from yet another incision and another area to heal.  Bonus!  He also found that my meniscus was intact, another bonus!

After waking up, the pain was unbelievable.  Those that know me know that I have an extremely high tolerance to pain.  But WOW.  The pain was bad.  Due to the fact that my surgery was 4 hours long and that the recovery unit I was in closed at 7, an hour in recovery was not long enough for any one's comfort, so when they suggested staying the night in the hospital, there was no argument from me.  Pain medicine through an iv works a lot faster than waiting for a pill to dissolve in your system.

I went home Friday early Friday afternoon.  The car ride was awful, but we made it.

I am not able to put any weight on the leg at all.  I am not able to bend the leg at all.  If you have ever had to do either of those two things, you know how much it is almost impossible to do anything.  So the last 11 days of my life have been very restricted to the chair, elevated, wrapped in the "game ready" ice machine.  If you have never had to do that...you would be amazed how limiting it really is.

The first several days after surgery, not only was the knee is constant pain, even high as a kite on pain medication, but I was very sick to my stomach, vomiting is bad enough on a normal day, but when you add in having to crutch your way to the bathroom in a hurry and not to be able to bend over the potty, it's worse.  Just ask Matty, who was stuck cleaning up after me.  Yuck, awful.  I was able to get another medication for the nausea and that seems to be helping.  The puke bucket is still at my chair side though, at all times.

Showers are also a huge challenge.  The long and short of that...I've had three in 11 days.  I feel so damn pretty.  Not.  I do have to say my wonderful friend Tina came over and shaved my legs.  She is wonderful for so many reasons.

I have been doing well not bending or putting weight on it.  My body aches.  My entire body.  I hate sitting in a chair all day.  I hate not being able to take care of myself.  I hate not being able to care for my Beauties.  My home.  My normal day to day.  I'm not good at letting others do things.  

I meet with my surgeon in the morning.  I really hope the 34 staples in my knee will be removed, because they suck.  

I'm hanging in there.  There have been a lot of tears shed the last 11 days.  I have had a few pity parties.  A few why me moments, and lots of reminders from myself and from others that I will recover and be better than ever. I will hopefully begin my physical therapy this week.  My surgeon told me before the surgery that it will be a long recovery.  Very intense physical therapy and that I have a lot of hard work ahead.  Which I can handle knowing that I am a tough cookie and I will get through it.  Full recovery and back to normal activity level is between 6-9 months, sometimes even longer depending on each individuals body and limitations.  

So I promise myself to take one day at a time.  One day at a time is all I can do.

  

Photos are 6 days post surgery.  Two incisions, one very large and one small.  Lots of bruising ans swelling.

Derby Hurts

Ask a Derby Girl, she will tell you.  Derby hurts.  I've had my share of bruises.  Taken my share of bone shaking tumbles.  Taken "Derby-Profin" by the handful after a great bout or a tough practice.  I've done plenty of sweating tears.  But it's all in the sport.  Part of the "badge of honor" that we wear so proudly.  We do it because we love the sport.  We love the thrill, the game.
I took a nasty fall during practice last Wednesday.  A fall resulting in instant, horrifying pain.  Pain I have never felt before.  Pain that left my teammates surrounding my side, carefully removing my gear, telling me to take deep breaths, whispering.  I left practice in an ambulance.  In the ER, I was x-rayed, given good pain meds and examined.  The doctors said nothing was broken, but that I most likely dislocated my patella.  It was back in place, as much as it could be with the massive swelling to the area.  They told me with this type of injury to the patella, more worrisome would be the joints and ligaments that were injured along with it.  I was put in an immobilizer, given a script and given instruction to rest, ice and elevate to keep swelling at bay.  Most importantly to follow up with my doc.  I have been following orders.  Resting, icing and elevating.  All the while so worried about my compartment surgery scheduled for Thursday this week.  I saw my ortho doc today.  He examined (twisted, turned, pulled and pushed) on my knee and surrounding areas.  We talked, he ordered an MRI and then he broke the news.  My surgery (fasciotomy on both lower leg compartments) would be on hold.  (Yeah you know, the surgery I have been waiting months for.  The pain I have been ignoring and pushing through since practice 1 of Derby.)  I have no stability in the left knee, which, in turn would make recovery after the surgery "not run smoothly."  Basically, it will be painful enough and difficult enough to heal and move around with the surgery alone.  He was unwilling to add a surgery on top of the knee injury. 
I had an MRI today. 
Long story short, I tore the ACL.  Repair of the ACL...SURGERY.  I also messed up the MCL which can be healed with physical therapy.  But not the ACL...surgery.
I feel like I was hit with a ton of bricks right in the face.  I know that injury is a "part" of the sport.  But really, did it have to happen a week before my leg surgery?  Really?
The pain is controlled right now.  I'm following doc instructions.  Wearing a special brace.  Icing.  Elevating.  Keeping weight off it.  The thing is, it's not the pain.  It's the disappointment.  The fact that I am done for the season.  The fact that I am now facing not one but two surgeries with lengthy recovery periods.  The lump I feel, the tearful thought of not being able to skate for months now, instead of 6-8 weeks.  The helpless feeling of not being a playing part of this team, this team that I have been with since the beginning.  This team that I have put so much, blood, sweat, tears and time into.  It's the fact that this "thing" in my life, something I love doing, something that I am good at, has been ripped away.  It hurts.  It hurts a lot.  I know I'm not the only skater that has been injured, and I know that other injuries will occur.  But right now, it's a pity party and I am number one on the guest list.  I'm angry.  I'm sad.  I want to scream.  There have been a lot of tears shed, believe me.  I know in my brain that I will get through.  I will have the surgeries.  I will recover.  I will be better, be stronger.  But right now, it just hurts.

Countdown

The countdown is on to the 29th.  Sugar will be out of commission for 6-8 weeks.  Surgery on my lower leg compartments.  When I began Derby in October 2008, I started having severe cramping, swelling and pressure in my lower legs.  From the knee to the ankle and everywhere in between.  In the beginning it was only during practice and also on long stroller walks.  So, I would sit, stretch, massage and ice.  Over the past almost two years, I have been fighting, struggling, and trying to ignore the excruciating pain.  As my skill level has increased, so has the pain.  I began physical therapy about eight months ago.  Which helped relieve some of the pressure and tightness.  After two months of PT, my therapist mentioned compartment syndrome.  He told me (short version) what it was and to keep the thought in the back of my mind.  As the pain progressed, especially in the last five months, the amount of PT also increased, my endurance level decreased, and the amount of times during practice I had to sit and remove my skates became more and more frequent.  the pressure was so high that the tightness in my lower legs is crazy, there is no give at all when you push on the muscles in the sides of my legs.  Not to mention the bruising.  In May, he referred me to an orthopaedic surgeon.  I decided to have the stress test done (which was awful)  my resting pressure was more than twice the highest normal number resting and was diagnosed with compartment syndrome in both legs.  Only option for relief and cure...surgery.  PT wasn't working.  Not only is the pain during skating, but now every stroller walk, stairs, and just walking around in general.  The tension and pressure has become unbearable.  Surgery it will be.  they will make three 2-3 inch incisions in each leg, severing the membrane around the lower leg compartments.  Yep...gonna have some sweet scars.  This will allow the muscles to expand, releasing the pressure and fluid filling the compartments.  (If you are into pictures and google, check it out, the pictures are creepy.)
I will admit, I have a very high pain tolerance.  I tend to push myself to the limit, and this has been no exception to that.  I keep hearing Tyna tell me to sit down, and not do things that my body is telling me not to.  I hate feeling like I am quitting, like I am giving in to pain.  But, I am so ready to not fight my body.  I want to exceed my person goals, to succeed as a strong skater, to become a better athlete in general.  I love derby and cannot imagine my life without it.  I am really nervous.  The entire thing freaks me out.  Long term effects freak me out.  Losing function of my lower legs, circulation problems, blood clots to name a few.  Surgery is my option.  I am okay with it.  I know it will be more than difficult to be off skates for several months, but, the end result is what I need.  It will make me a better skater.  Hopefully I will be back up and running for our last two bouts of the season in October.  But I feel like there will be so much I am missing.  I know it will be worth it.  It will be worth it.  Look out...Here comes Sugar!

Iron Diva Challenge

So you are familiar with the Iron Man Challenge, right?
What about the "Iron Diva?"  Heard of it?
Last night the coaching and training peeps came up with a big twist for practice.  The 1st Annual Iron Diva.  Skate-Crossfit-Core.  IT WAS AMAZING.
We began with warm ups outside, getting our mojo used to the paved concrete (it is very different than the polished concrete we are used to.)  The contest started with 2 miles of fast paced skating.  It continued into a weave line, into a full contact block, then a rules and regulations question.  Next on to hopping ropes, another full contact block and right into another 2 mile fast paced skate...followed by repeating the entire first part...following me?  After the final set, we transitioned out of skates and full gear and into sneakers and headed to begin crossfit.  To begin, it was down and up an insanely steep hill 10 times, following by 100 walking lunges and let us not forget the burpees.  100 of those.  Next transition...CORE.  Crunches, bicycles, planks, side planks, push ups, cat pose, swimmers.  Each exercise done 25 reps x three.
WOW.  I went into it thinking I am going to give this my all, the best.  Yes my my legs are killing me, just walking around doing the day to day stuff (surgery in 25 days!!) But damn it, I am going to prove that I am strong, a fighter.  I am not a quitter!
I did it!  All of it!  It was so amazing.  so raw, so tough.  I was in tears several times pushing my body (mostly the legs) to get through it to succeed, and I did.  I'm not sure of my ending time, guessing around an hour and 45 minutes or so.  I was surely not the first, but not the last.  I finished.  It was a very proud night for me.
Now I am ready to crawl up in a ball and wait for surgery day to get here.
After my recovery...I will be ready to take on that beast again!