It's a-bout time

Saturday is approaching quickly.  Cirque Du Slam is almost here.  I am always super excited during bout week.  Always.  I spend every spare second making sure last minute details are taken care of.  This week is the same in that I checking on everything, confirming times, menus, help and typing up vip lists.
But it is different for many reasons as well.  This will be Sugar's first bout from the sidelines.  Not on the track.  The first bout where I am not lacing up my skates.  Not pulling on stinky pads.  Not nervous for that first jam of the night.  The first night where I will be cheering my teammates on from the sidelines instead of communicating with them from inside the pack.
As I type this post, I fight back tears.  Tears that I have little control of these days.  Tears that I try to swallow during practices, watching my team/my friends skating, where I want to be too.  Where I am determined to be again.  Tears that come out of no where, and can last minutes or hours.  I know that as an athlete, especially in such a physically involved sport, that injuries occur.  They can happen at any moment.  In Derby you often hear "it's not IF you get hurt, it's WHEN."  I know that I am not the only one that has been on the sidelines due to an injury, but none the less, the cut still feels deep.  It burns and stings to know that I will not be skating for an indefinite length of time.
I have always been a skater that values my place on a roster, my place within the team.  I feel honored and achieved.  I feel like a part of something big.  Something great.  I have always gone in with the attitude that all of the skaters that make each and every roster, work their asses off (literally) to get there.  We practice hard, we prepare emotionally and we are team players.  I cherish that fact that I have been with this team since the beginning.  I feel honored and proud that I have skated in every bout with my sisters.  I look back on how far my abilities have come since that first practice in November of 2008.  When I was so nervous to fall down.  I kind of laugh at being so afraid in the beginning.  Comparing it now to my hard hits, the ability to absorb hard hits from other skaters and the amount of times I do fall and get my ass off the floor faster than I ever thought was possible.
That constant fear that my body is making decisions my heart doesn't agree with.  The what-ifs.  I know that I need to push those negative thoughts far out of my mind.  I know in my mind that injuries happen.  You recover, you heal, you push through it.  But in my heart there is a constant fear of what if I am not able to skate again?  Skate the way Sugar skates.  Competitive.  Hard.  I have found so much for "me"  in derby.  So many things that make me a better person, so many things that were missing for a long time.  A calming feeling within my own skin.  So much more confidence than I have ever had.  A place where I truly "fit in" and something that I love so much in heart, mind and soul.
I WILL be there, with my team, no matter what the outcome.  On the sidelines or on the track.  I will support them.  Saturday will be a tough day for Toxic Sugar, and I cannot promise to keep the tears in, although I promise to try.
KILL KILL KILL!  Beat those Sirens!  I know you will!
And for the record...I still intend on winning the after bout party...