Finding my Place

My anxious spirit went from anxious to emotional as the appointment with my surgeon didn't go as I so hoped that it would.  I saw him on April 12th.  Which was 7months and 3 days post my major knee reconstruction.  

He entered the exam room and I felt my excitement and hope climb higher and higher as I sat on the table and talked with him about the progress I have made along the way.  He took measurements.  Had me do several exercises, and then he tested the tightness in the ligaments by doing a series of bends, flexes and wiggles.  I'm sure there are much more scientific way to describe it, but that's what it feels like he is doing, so we will go with that description of his critique.  He began talking about how pleased he is with the stability in the knee.  The ligaments all feel tight and just as they should.  He complimented me in the fact that he can tell I have been continuing "diligently" with my physical therapy (as instructed) by him and my therapist.  He said he could not be more impressed with my healing and progress since the surgery.  I beamed smiles.  Knowing proudly inside that I have done everything I have been instructed to do, since day one of injuring my knee.  From icing, to resting, to bending in a prone position for months.  EVERYTHING I HAVE BEEN TOLD.  I waited for him to continue, but he didn't.  He looked at me and then said, "I'm sure you are wondering when you can get back onto your skates?"  I of course answered his question before he could even finish the sentence.  "YES?!"  

He began the next part of the conversation slow and concerned, but stern and deliberate.  "Before you had the surgery, we talked about the time frame for full recovery.  You had a very extensive reconstruction of your knee.  One that takes time to heal completely.  From the beginning I told you it would be a MINIMUM of 9-12 months before you would be ready physically to be back on your skates.  I feel VERY strongly about that 9-12 months.  Right now we are only 7 months post surgery and at this point, I will not even consider clearing you medically.  You are not there yet, your body is not ready.  I will be completely honest with you,  I will more than likely not give you medical clearance until you reach that 12 month mark.  There is too much risk for rupture to the grafts.  Too much risk in re-injury this soon.  You have to give the grafts time to heal and continue to strengthen the muscles around it.  Aside from the PCL graft, we also completely reconstructed the MCL, it takes time for your body to regenerate and heal the tissue around both of the ligaments.  Even though it feels good, it is still healing.  I know that you feel ready, but as your doctor, I do not feel that you are."

Crushed.  I was crushed.  Fighting with everything in me not to burst into tears on the exam table in front of him.  Please don't start crying in front of him.  Too late.

"I would like to see you again in 3 months and we will reevaluate things at that time.  But until then, keep up the great work.  You are clear to do anything you feel comfortable doing, except skating.  Not pivoting/cutting type motion in the knee."

That was it.  I sat in the exam room alone for what felt like forever.  Tears streaming.  Sobbing.  Why did I let myself think that he was going to give me different news?  I was so angry at myself for getting my hopes up.  Thinking about that stupid new mouth guard I just made.  The new laces I just put into my skates.  The custom fit knee pads I had been researching for weeks.  Talking about playing with my team later this season.  Skating at practices again.  All for not.  Because I still have five months before I can skate.

As I left the office and drove away, I found that I was literally heaving I was so upset.  I'm Sugar.  I'm a fucking skater.  I'm not supposed to be standing on the sidelines.  I'm Sugar.  I called Matt.  He didn't know what to say, so he said nothing.  

I know that it all makes sense.  I know my body is the only one I have.  I know that the proper amount of time is critical in the long term health of my knee.  I know that.  But it still hurts inside.  I'm still sad.  Truthfully, the only people that can truly understand that feeling, are the ones that have sat on the sidelines with an injury and watched their teammates play without them.  It hurts.  I cannot even begin to describe what it feels like, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  

It took me several days and lots of tears to digest the fact that the 2011 season will not see Sugar on the track.  I can be okay with it because I have to be.  My sweet little Chloe is very concerned that her Mommy will not skate again.  I promise her that I will skate again.

I don't question my role on the team.  I know where I stand.  It isn't that at all.  I love this team and I know this team loves Sugar.  This team is forever a part of my life.   

I look at my new role as a line coach and I am proud to be in that position.  I know this game.  I am strong in the position and confident that I am where I should be for now.  I am learning so much and hope that I am a calming face to my teammates, a strong and confident leader off the track.  I hope that know how honored I am to be one of their coaches.  Just as I was honored to skate beside them.

I look at this amazing group of woman that work so hard to make this team successful.  It takes my breath away every single time.  We are kicking 2011 in the ass is so many ways and I don't just mean winning.  We fit the definition of the word TEAM in every way and I AM PROUD.

So every time I think about not being on skates right now, I am going to stop, think about how far I have come since July 21, 2010 when I was first injured.  Think about how I had a major knee surgery and have come through it with shining colors.  How things have changed for a little while.  Then I am going to think about November 2008, when I first found this team of 5 women, at a time when I needed it in my life just for me.  I helped grow and shape it into what it is today.  A TEAM of over 50 strong, beautiful woman, I am proud to call my TEAMMATES.  I am going to remember why I love this team, why I love roller derby and remember it is a part of me...whether I am on my skates...or not.

Because...

"I am just Sugar"

Anxious Spirit

It's been eight long moths since I blew my knee.  Eight L--O--N--G months since I have been in my skates.  Eight months since I have been watching my team play from the sidelines.  

We are one month into our bouting season, and what an amazing month it has been.

We began with our home opener on March 12th.  We took on the Quad City Rollers.  A familiar rival, who were eager and ready for our challenge on the track.  OCCRG played strong, as a team.  Focusing on strategical game play.  Playing smart.  Game one was a victory in many ways.

Game two, just one week later, we faced off against the Unholy Rollers of the Mad Rollin Dolls.  A WFTDA team.  A new set of challenges.  A new caliber.  We went in giddy with excitement to have been invited.  Excited just to skate and learn from these experienced skaters, most of which have been skating for double the time we have been.  The game was intense from the first jam until the last jam.  We pulled out a win by a mere 2 points.  It was by far and most the most difficult one to be standing on the sidelines for.  I wanted to be skating so badly.  To be a part of that victory so much.  Not even the victory, just the experience of it.  Our first WFTDA bout experience.  A huge deal as a skater to be a part of something so memorable.

Game three, one week later, we take on the Des Moines Dames, in Des Moines.  We were ready.  Fired up.  Ready to go.  We took win number three, after a physically tough game.  

Going into April.  We are off this weekend.  Ready for home bout number two.  April 9th we host the Kansas City Roller Warriors - Plan B.  This will be our first WFTDA league to host.  Also a big milestone.

I am still co coaching the line with Tyna.  It's going well.  We are very strong together.  We communicate with each other well.  We read each other.  Our strong points and weaknesses balance.  It's difficult being behind the line.  Always afraid to make the wrong call.  Send in the wrong combination.  Make a mistake.  Which unfortunately, sometimes happens.  We are human, it happens.  Like in Des Moines when I almost had a jammer call the jam when she wasn't lead.  Thankfully for me, she didn't see me telling her to call it.  However, I still think about it.  Feeling stupid.  Like I could have potentially had her sent to the box.  Really fucked things up.  I feel like a fish out of water behind the bench.  I know what I'm doing.  I know the game.  I understand the game.  I know the rules, the mindset.  I get it.  But I feel like I just don't fit "behind the bench."  I feel like a piece of my spirit is gone, left on the track.

I am taking it all in stride.  Getting closer to meeting with my surgeon for my last follow up appointment.  The follow up appointment that should either clear me to put my skates back on OR tell me that I still need to wait, keep doing more PT on my own.  Every time I think about that appointment I get excited.  My heart begins to race.  I smile from ear to ear thinking of getting into my skates and picking right back up where I left off.  Then second later I feel like I am going to vomit.  My eyes well with tears.  Fear overcomes every inch of my body.  What if they say I shouldn't skate.  What if they say I am clear and I'm too afraid?  What if I fuck up my knee again?  What if I get back on my skates and suck so bad no one wants me back on my skates?  What if I forgot everything?  Everyone else has far surpassed where I was eight L--O--N--G months ago.  I'm so behind, it's like I am staring all over again?  Will I ever get back where I was?  Will I ever be as good as they are now?  I'm so scared of what is to come.  Then aside from all that.  Not everyone in my life is super crazy about the idea of me putting the skates back on.  "Sugar Daddy" is supportive.  He says he backs me in whatever decision I make.  But there are a few that are not at all supportive of it.  Which will make it difficult as well.  

July 21st, 2010 broke my knee.  I will prove it didn't break my spirit.  I have to prove that to myself.  

Little Milestones

I graduated from "formal physical therapy" today. Can I get WOOT WOOT!!
It has been 6 months since the dreaded injury of the knee.  I am four and a half months post surgery.  I am counting down the days until May when I am clear to don my beautiful Quads again and remember what the wind in my helmet feels like.  Baby stepping.
It seems like so long ago.  But I am cleared to continue my PT on my own.  No more supervised visits.  Clear to do all that is within my comfort level at a slow and gradual pace.  Slow and steady, I promise. 

OCCRG is in full swing preparing for our "jam packed" 2011 season.  Our first bout March 12th at home.  It will be a season full of growth and excitement.  I cannot wait to see how things develop over the next year.

Little Gifts

Sometimes you meet someone who touches your heart.  I am lucky to have several friends that I can say this about.  Ironically, many of them are women I have met through derby!  I feel very blessed to have such strong, wonderful women in my life.  Women who believe in me.  Women who push me to be my best.  Women who count on me to push them to be their best. 
I have looked at derby from both sides now.  The side where you look out from the track as you skate your ass off.  Pushing through practice drills, or bouting a tough team, as well as the side where you stand in the middle of the track or along the side lines and cheer for your sisters, wishing you could be at their side.  Being on the outside of the track is difficult place to be.  Emotion eats at your insides.  You know in your heart you are a part of the team, however the gut punching truth is that you are in fact "looking in from the outside."  It sucks.  It hurts.  Since the beginning I have have the mindset that I am committed to my team.  Good or bad.  Easy or difficult.  Win or lose.  Skater or not.  I am committed.  It is a feeling that is difficult to describe to someone who has never been a part of this type of sisterhood.  How you can love an activity that much.  But any derby girl knows that feeling.
I was reminded tonight, from a woman who has been very special to me since day one of my derby conquest. 
Long story short, during practice tonight, we were running an endurance drill.  It was a tough drill.  Lots of sprinting and lots and lots of laps.  She told me afterward that I was her inspiration to continue.  That she couldn't quit or complain because she looked at me and knew that I would trade places any day to be able to be working my ass off completing that drill.  Thanks Bang!  I needed that.  You are my inspiration too!  I cannot wait to get back into my skates...and kick some ass...on the track.  I'm sick of looking in from the outside.

Five more months

I am officially 4 months past knee surgery. 
Things are coming along very well. 
I am getting that itch to say the least. 
I met with my surgeon today and he said everything is looking and more importantly, feeling great!
Mobility (bending) is far ahead of schedule back to full range of motion in the bending department.  Lots of tough work, but yeah me!  Stability is great.  PCL Graft is tight.  MCL is tight.  Strengthening is going great.  I've been doing my PT as directed. I am actually able to cut down to just one a week in office now, doing all the rest on my own at home.  My surgeon was so pleased with my progress.  So pleased in fact, I dropped the question today...da-da-dannnnn...When can I get back on skates?
He said..."Well, eventually you will be there, but you are not there yet.  Still baby stepping.  Taking care and precaution to not strain and stretch the graft.  No pivoting/cutting motion yet.  Too much risk in re-injury this soon.  It is my recommendation that you are nine months past surgery before putting on your skates."  I can do it.  Five more months...seems actually pretty soon.  I could not be more happy with the report of progress.  Not to mention, it feels really good!  I am free to do pretty much anything low impact which is great because I feel like a big fat toad. 
I know the next few months will fly by.  I count on it flying by.  Soon...I will be back on skates with my OCCRG sisters!

V is for Victory

I think back to a year and a half ago, June 2009, when we first faced off with the women of CRRG, I remember being so nervous, so fresh, so new.  It was our second bout ever and we didn't have much of a chance against the seasoned CRRG.  We were still wet behind the ears at the game of derby, still trying to figure out the game. 
Last night, we came with our game face on.  Adrenaline pumped strong as we took the track.  We came in strong and continued strong through the entire bout.  We were ready to play hard and ready to prove ourselves in the corridor as a force to be reckoned with.
Old Capitol City Roller Girls took the track in Cedar Rapids against the Helldorados last night and came out with our eighth win of the 2010 season.  (We stand at 8-2 with one bout to go in 2010.)
It was a night of high emotion, hard hits and amazing strategy from OCCRG.  We have been working hard at playing smart, keeping our eyes open and staying focused, which showed in every aspect of the bout last night.  We had solid walls, protected our line, and made sure we were quick to react when CRRG made their moves on the track.
Our ladies in the star panties all made jamming look easy as they weaved in, through and past the pack scoring point after point.  Our defense was amazing.  Accurate, well timed blocks held CRRG jammers back and assisted OCCRG jammers quickly through the pack.  We knew where we needed to be and we executed.
The score at the half was 39 to 107 OCCRG.  As we huddled in the locker room, we knew CRRG would bring it strong in the second half with a vengeance, and they proved us right.  They came out hard hitting and ready, but OCCRG continued to dominate the track.  Sticking faithfully to our strategy, playing smart and uniting as a team.

In the end, OCCRG took the win at 182 to 91.
A very proud victory for all of the Old Capitol City Roller Girls.

Great Customer Service

Here's the set to the scene...
I am on crutches, still.  I needed to attempt a quick errand alone, as we needed a few household staples.  I am getting pretty talented carrying one or two things and still managing to get from point a to b with said crutches.  After physical therapy, I headed to the always wonderful Kmart.
I entered and headed to the customer service counter.  I was greeted by a lovely woman (who looked like she smokes 4 packs a day and uses the tanning bed at least twice everyday.)  I politely asked if I could please have a plastic bag to put a few items in.  She could clearly see, that I was "walking" with crutches and that obviously I was unable to push a cart or carry one of the plastic handled baskets.  As she stood there looking at me as if it was the most outrageous question she had ever been asked, I explained to her that I needed a few things, and could not carry them all and maneuver the crutches at the same time.  She replied with "I'm sorry, we don't "give" these bags away."  Okay great!  I'm not asking you to "give" it away.  I'm asking if I may please have one, to place my items in and then pay for them and then my items can be placed back into "that" bag when I check out.  She continued to stare at me, and then repeated, "I'm sorry we cannot give these bags away."  Really?  Really?  I'm sorry, how big of a moron are you?  I think the tanning bed has fried your brain cells.
I crutched through the store grabbing my toothpaste and deodorant, carrying mascara in my teeth.  As I approached another woman she said, is there anything I can help you find?  "Actually, yes there is.  When I came in I asked for a bag"...long story above.  I then noticed that she was a manager.  She asked if she could "assist me with gathering the rest of my things?"  Nope, a bag to carry them in would have been great, but obviously, your customer service employee ogre would not give me one, so these three items will do, I will continue said item shopping at another store.
More than likely, they will NOT see my face in that shit-hole again.  Why can't Target be closer to home?  Oh right...because I live in the fricking ghetto.
Assholes.

OCCRG talks with Yale Cohn