Trying not to think

I'm trying not to focus on this week.

Trying not the think about the appointment with my surgeon on Wednesday.

The last appointment I had, my hopes were high.  I thought I was going back to skating full force.  Only to be "knocked" into reality that my body wasn't ready for that yet.  

After two months of being able to be on skates with zero contact, basically skating around in circles, watching my teammates progress further without me, I have found myself to feel more discouraged than when I was unable to skate at all.  Strange huh?  Ungrateful, maybe?  But, I can't help my feelings, right.  It has been more difficult to be able to put on the skates and not be able to go full throttle, than to not have them on at all because I have that taste in my mouth.  The feeling running through my veins again.  I remember the adrenaline rush of lacing up my skates, my wheels under my feet, and I want it all.  I want it all.  Not half of it, all of it.  My brain has made my listen to my surgeon.  Only do what I am clear to do-no contact.  Only endurance.  Listening to my body when it tells me to slow down, or stop and take a break.

My appointment Wednesday will be just two weeks short of one year post knee surgery.  One year marking the magical time that my surgeon said he would not clear me for contact/competition before reaching that point on time.  My brain understands why they long period of time.  My heart argues.

Will that time really be here?  I am calm about it right now.  My brain is telling me to be patient.  It is saying that there is a good chance that he will tell me that my knee is still not ready.  That the grafts still need more time to heal.  My brain is telling me that this makes sense.  That I have to be understanding if this is the outcome of the assessment.  My heart however, is racing.  Will it finally be time?  Will I finally be able to skate?  Skate the way I really want to skate.  Full contact.  Full power.  Full Sugar.  What does that even mean anymore?  My heart tells my brain it is ready.  My heart feels that it wants so badly to be in the action, on the track, racing around, really in the game.  But is my body really ready for what my heart wants?  

I know there is no way to know that answer for sure.  There is no true right or wrong answer.  I know that when the time comes, I will go with what is in my heart.  Because that is who I am.  I am just Sugar.  Sugar listens to her heart.  I always have.  In everything in my life, not just roller derby.

But I am scared.  

I am trying not to think.  I will not think.  I will shut off my heart.  I will shut off my brain.

At least not until I am sitting in that office on Wednesday...then I can't promise anything, because my brain will inevitably lose to my heart...and my heart will take over.