Finding my Place

My anxious spirit went from anxious to emotional as the appointment with my surgeon didn't go as I so hoped that it would.  I saw him on April 12th.  Which was 7months and 3 days post my major knee reconstruction.  

He entered the exam room and I felt my excitement and hope climb higher and higher as I sat on the table and talked with him about the progress I have made along the way.  He took measurements.  Had me do several exercises, and then he tested the tightness in the ligaments by doing a series of bends, flexes and wiggles.  I'm sure there are much more scientific way to describe it, but that's what it feels like he is doing, so we will go with that description of his critique.  He began talking about how pleased he is with the stability in the knee.  The ligaments all feel tight and just as they should.  He complimented me in the fact that he can tell I have been continuing "diligently" with my physical therapy (as instructed) by him and my therapist.  He said he could not be more impressed with my healing and progress since the surgery.  I beamed smiles.  Knowing proudly inside that I have done everything I have been instructed to do, since day one of injuring my knee.  From icing, to resting, to bending in a prone position for months.  EVERYTHING I HAVE BEEN TOLD.  I waited for him to continue, but he didn't.  He looked at me and then said, "I'm sure you are wondering when you can get back onto your skates?"  I of course answered his question before he could even finish the sentence.  "YES?!"  

He began the next part of the conversation slow and concerned, but stern and deliberate.  "Before you had the surgery, we talked about the time frame for full recovery.  You had a very extensive reconstruction of your knee.  One that takes time to heal completely.  From the beginning I told you it would be a MINIMUM of 9-12 months before you would be ready physically to be back on your skates.  I feel VERY strongly about that 9-12 months.  Right now we are only 7 months post surgery and at this point, I will not even consider clearing you medically.  You are not there yet, your body is not ready.  I will be completely honest with you,  I will more than likely not give you medical clearance until you reach that 12 month mark.  There is too much risk for rupture to the grafts.  Too much risk in re-injury this soon.  You have to give the grafts time to heal and continue to strengthen the muscles around it.  Aside from the PCL graft, we also completely reconstructed the MCL, it takes time for your body to regenerate and heal the tissue around both of the ligaments.  Even though it feels good, it is still healing.  I know that you feel ready, but as your doctor, I do not feel that you are."

Crushed.  I was crushed.  Fighting with everything in me not to burst into tears on the exam table in front of him.  Please don't start crying in front of him.  Too late.

"I would like to see you again in 3 months and we will reevaluate things at that time.  But until then, keep up the great work.  You are clear to do anything you feel comfortable doing, except skating.  Not pivoting/cutting type motion in the knee."

That was it.  I sat in the exam room alone for what felt like forever.  Tears streaming.  Sobbing.  Why did I let myself think that he was going to give me different news?  I was so angry at myself for getting my hopes up.  Thinking about that stupid new mouth guard I just made.  The new laces I just put into my skates.  The custom fit knee pads I had been researching for weeks.  Talking about playing with my team later this season.  Skating at practices again.  All for not.  Because I still have five months before I can skate.

As I left the office and drove away, I found that I was literally heaving I was so upset.  I'm Sugar.  I'm a fucking skater.  I'm not supposed to be standing on the sidelines.  I'm Sugar.  I called Matt.  He didn't know what to say, so he said nothing.  

I know that it all makes sense.  I know my body is the only one I have.  I know that the proper amount of time is critical in the long term health of my knee.  I know that.  But it still hurts inside.  I'm still sad.  Truthfully, the only people that can truly understand that feeling, are the ones that have sat on the sidelines with an injury and watched their teammates play without them.  It hurts.  I cannot even begin to describe what it feels like, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  

It took me several days and lots of tears to digest the fact that the 2011 season will not see Sugar on the track.  I can be okay with it because I have to be.  My sweet little Chloe is very concerned that her Mommy will not skate again.  I promise her that I will skate again.

I don't question my role on the team.  I know where I stand.  It isn't that at all.  I love this team and I know this team loves Sugar.  This team is forever a part of my life.   

I look at my new role as a line coach and I am proud to be in that position.  I know this game.  I am strong in the position and confident that I am where I should be for now.  I am learning so much and hope that I am a calming face to my teammates, a strong and confident leader off the track.  I hope that know how honored I am to be one of their coaches.  Just as I was honored to skate beside them.

I look at this amazing group of woman that work so hard to make this team successful.  It takes my breath away every single time.  We are kicking 2011 in the ass is so many ways and I don't just mean winning.  We fit the definition of the word TEAM in every way and I AM PROUD.

So every time I think about not being on skates right now, I am going to stop, think about how far I have come since July 21, 2010 when I was first injured.  Think about how I had a major knee surgery and have come through it with shining colors.  How things have changed for a little while.  Then I am going to think about November 2008, when I first found this team of 5 women, at a time when I needed it in my life just for me.  I helped grow and shape it into what it is today.  A TEAM of over 50 strong, beautiful woman, I am proud to call my TEAMMATES.  I am going to remember why I love this team, why I love roller derby and remember it is a part of me...whether I am on my skates...or not.

Because...

"I am just Sugar"